I wonder how many people have actually read any of Konohara Narise's novels? Her writing style and her story lines are not really for anyone though but I found myself strongly attached to her works. I love every word of it. If I'm not mistaken, her works mostly got translated into English by DMP.
The first book that made me addicted to her novels has got to be The Man who Doesn't Take Off his Clothes (part of the Don't Worry Mama series) which I read years back. It was beautifully written. I noticed her works shared so many similarities. Both the seme and the uke are very normal people...in a cruel realistic world. Her works are not just pure fantasy.
But I'm not here to talk about that. I am here to talk about one of my favorite works from her, the Utsukushii Koto series. It's so heart wrenching I don't even know where to start. I recommend this novel to every single one of you. Every single fujoshi out there must get their hands on this and read it now.
I mean literally now. If you CAN'T get your hands on the novels, listen to the Drama CDs although it won't achieve the emotional effect the novels had on me after I finished reading them. I read this four years back but that time, the story was incomplete. Yesterday, I suddenly felt like reading it again so I went to search and I found the main story, the sequel and the short story.
Utsukushii Koto tells the tale of Matsuoka Yousuke, a young, tall and handsome guy. He had a bad time after broke up with his girlfriend so he decided to wear his girlfriend's clothes and found out that he looked good in them. He began to take it up as a habit to relieve stress and continuously wore female clothes to play with other guys, often laughing at the guys who tried to woo him and feeling happy with the attention he brings.
But one day, things went wrong and he almost ended up being violated. So he sank down to the ground in misery. A man then walked up to him and asked whether he's alright. (points to the picture: the most beautiful moment) It was a kind gesture. The man helped him out by giving him his pair of shoes. When the man asked him for directions to go home, Matsuoka was terrified he will be found out so he pretended to be unable to speak. The man didn't said much but paid for his taxi. It was a touching moment.
At work, Matsuoka found out that the man was called as Hirosue Motofumi after his friend badmouthed him. Matsuoka then defended him, remembering the kind gesture he had from him last night. He wanted to thank him so he bought a pair of new shoes as a replacement. He dressed up as a woman again because he didn't want Hirosue to find out he was a guy. It was supposed to be their last meeting till Hirosue asked for his phone number and email. Matsuoka was shocked so he refused but he couldn't help but feel guilty at the look of disappointment on the other man's face.
But that refusal was quickly forgotten as Matsuoka got even guiltier every time he sees Hirosue waiting at the place every single day for his female self to arrive. He soon gave in, told Hirosue his name is Youko. They went out together most of the time and even send each other messages all the time. Matsuoka tried to pull away but seeing the man's disappointed and sad face every time he tried to do so made him didn't have the heart to leave him. Worst, he found out he was slowly falling for him.
One day, he finally found the heart to break off this weird relationship they have. Because of this, Hirosue fell into depression after Youko told him she's seeing someone else to break it off. Then, another disastrous moment was when Matsuoka's friend got promoted before him and has been causing him hell at work. His depression got worst. Matsuoka couldn't bear seeing him like this so he decided to become Youko once more for him.
Hirosue confessed he loved him and things started to get a bit dangerous. Matsuoka quickly pushed him away and he felt sad once he saw the hurt look on Hirosue's face. He then left. Matsuoka then forced himself to stop this relationship right now but couldn't bear to because he had already fell for him. He then gave up and started mailing Hirosue everyday but Hirosue never replied. Till one day, his colleague at work received a phone call from Hirosue that he wanted to talk to him. Matsuoka was terrified and thoughts like what if he had found out Youko was finally him kept on repeating in his mind.
In the end he went. Hirosue asked him what is his relationship with Youko since he knows Matsuoka has been going in and out of her apartment. Matsuoka was shocked. He wanted to tell him they were brother and sisters since they looked alike but Hirosue already found out their surnames were different. In the end, he settled with cousins. Hirosue of course didn't believe him. Finally, he told the truth that Youko is him that night. Hirosue was speechless and shocked for he had love Youko so much. He was also angry at the fact that Matsuoka had been playing with his feelings for Youko. Anxious and depressed, Matsuoka tried to contact Hirosue on a daily basis but Hirosue never replied and never contact him anymore. Matsuoka then got so angry for he had hoped Hirosue would still love him no matter what even though once he found out he was a guy. Hirosue said it himself before that no matter who Youko is, he would still love her. Matsuoka was hung on his very words.
He then confronted Hirosue and forced himself on him saying just do it once. If Hirosue still can't find himself to stand at the sight of man's body, he will let him go. Drunk, Hirosue went for it and hurt Matsuoka emotionally and physically. While they were embracing each other, Hirosue kept on calling out Youko's name. Matsuoka tried to retaliate saying his name is Matsuoka not Youko but Hirosue clamped his mouth shut with his hand to stop him from talking. (T_T I feel like punching Hirosue so bad.)
Matsuoka then decided to give up on this relationship and moved on after realizing Hirosue only have eyes for Youko not him, even though they are the same person. So he stopped and cut off every relation to him. He even changed his hairstyle to start off a new life in order to concentrate solely on his work. One day, he met his colleague who tried to set him on a double date. He was also surprised to find out his colleague was dating Hirosue. The two men met once more under this situation and Matsuoka couldn't help but throw mean words at him and being harsh to the man whenever Hirosue wanted to talk to him. Hirosue is always rendered speechless. But Matsuoka wanted to avoid him as much as he can.
Till one day, Hirosue went to Matsuoka's office to look for Matsuoka. Matsuoka's colleague thought Hirosue was looking for her and was disappointed when he's not. She had cried and complained to Matsuoka a lot about her relationship with Hirosue. She was the one who chased after him and she felt that Hirosue never treated her as a girlfriend at all. Matsuoka was also surprised to find out from her that Hirosue has been asking her questions about him from time to time. He didn't know what to do. Hirosue then followed him into a room where he quickly confronted him that he misses his company and found out that Matsuoka didn't dress like a girl to mess with him. He kept on saying Matsuoka is a good guy based on what his current girlfriend is saying. Matsuoka couldn't help but feel hurt that he believe her words more than him. He felt angry retaliates that instead of saying all that, he should treat his girlfriend better because she really loves him. He then ask Hirosue to leave before security comes and wonder what's going on.
That night, when Matsuoka left, he saw Hirosue at that exact same place again. Hirosue made the first move towards Matsuoka. They greeted each other. And here's my translation on the ending of the novel:
"Where are you going?"
Matsuoka didn't reply his question.
"Hirosue, what do you think you are doing?"
It was as if he was trying to change the subject so he asked Hirosue back. Hirosue lowered his gaze.
"I didn't see you at the station so I got a bit worried..."
"Worried?"
"This never happened before. I went to your office but the lights were off. I was afraid something had happened to you..."
The reason this never happened before was because Matsuoka had already intended to make use of this station so that both of them will meet. But the man didn't realize this even a bit.
"I have been thinking about what you said. Maybe I want to do something about it but I just couldn't find the answer. So I have been watching you going home every day and thinking about it."
He then continued.
"You never came. I don't know the reason why you never did so I got worried. I thought you were involved in an accident and I also thought that you hated seeing me but it made me feel uncomfortable..."
The man then awkwardly stuttered and continued on.
"Your behavior and attitude had a great impact on me. Other people couldn't make me hate myself even more like you did. I don't know whether this is a good thing or not or whether this is love or not...but I would like to try."
Matsuoka's moved his lips a bit.
"You want to confirm then if you really can't do it, you want to pretend none of this happened again?"
"That's not it!"
The man quickly denied.
"What do you mean by no?! You said you are not sure of it yourself!"
"I think I love you but I am not confident on my feelings because I never fell in love with a man before. So I hope you can help me..."
"Don't always depend on others! How do you want me to change you? But the one who needs to make the decision will be you, isn't it?!"
Under the dim street lights, Hirosue's face went pale.
"I have enough.."
After he said that, Matsuoka turned to walk away and footsteps can be heard from behind him.
"I'm sorry."
Matsuoka didn't reply.
"I'm really sorry..."
Matsuoka shut off the ears in his heart, not wanting to let himself listen to any voices again...
"Wah!"
The sudden loud cry made Matsuoka turned his head in reflex. The useless man had fell face first onto the ground. Matsuoka forced down the strong urge to run to his side, clamping his teeth. But the man never stood back up. Matsuoka started to get worried whether he had hurt himself so he picked up his bag and slowly walked towards Hirosue.
"Hey, are you alright?"
Finally, the man slowly raise his head. At that moment when he reached out to take his bag from Matsuoka, he made a grab at Matsuoka's right hand. Even when Matsuoka retracted his hand, Hirosue's hand followed him. The two men looked like they are engage in a tug-of-war desperately fighting.
"I didn't use my hands so I hurt my knee." Hirosue muttered softly. "I figured if I fell, you will come back to me."
Matsuoka glared at Hirosue.
"You are doing it on purpose..."
"I know what sort of person Matsuoka is..." Hirosue's hand accidentally touched Matsuoka's face causing Matsuoka's body to shudder under his touch.
"So please wait for some time. Please wait until I can properly understand your intentions and feelings, until I can officially say I love you..."
Matsuoka lowered his head and fell into silence. He tried to move his right hand but it was roughly pulled back down. Unable to raise it to his face, he used his left hand instead to cover his eyes. He didn't want to cry in front of Hirosue. He really didn't want to reveal this feminine side of him, but the tears still fell on their own.
He couldn't hide this side of him nor could he run away. His body is shaking and his uncontrollable sobbing sound...bet that the other must have known what kind of state he's in right now.
Just the tears alone is enough to make him breakdown. And that "thing" that has been maintaining it had already became so vulnerable.
"Please..." Matsuoka's voice shook. "Do not make use of the fact I love you to turn against me(?)..." (head hurts, can't think straight. paiseh. =.=)
As another train passed by, the apologetic sound of "I'm sorry" vanished in the sound of passing train.
Hurry, tell me you love me... Matsuoka tightened his hold on his right hand with full of expectations. Tell me you only love me...Tell me you don't care of anyone else but me...Hurry and save me from this kind of feeling...
But this didn't seem to be conveyed to that dense man so he didn't say a thing to Matsuoka.
Facing the now knelt down Matsuoka, Hirosue, at a loss, gently and slowly stroked his back.
The End.
Happy ending? No. For the problem that Matsuoka is a man arises once again in Ittoshi Koto. Hirosue felt disgusted whenever they are at close proximity with each other. Matsuoka of course, felt hurt at the man's reaction but he understood what he's going through so he didn't blame him. They still do what they do usually, hanging out and do things together but in Hirosue's eyes, Matsuoka will always be just a friend to him. They went on a vacation together once to the hot spring.
Even so, Matsuoka tried to distance himself from Hirosue since he didn't want to scare the man off. When Hirosue asked him whether they want to go in together, Matsuoka politely refused and told Hirosue to go in first, telling Hirosue that he will probably feel disgusted looking at his naked body. Hirosue didn't put it to heart and still act the same way as before, uncaring and didn't think much of the situation at hand so he went in first. He felt content that he was in the hot spring alone but he soon noticed Matsuoka still haven't come in.
He started thinking of his current relationship with Matsuoka. When Matsuoka came in, he picked the farthest area to stay in. Hirosue momentarily wondered why so he moved closer to Matsuoka. Matsuoka blushed and felt terrible that Hirosue had to see him in this disgusting manner so he quickly excused himself and left.
Hirosue stayed then went back to his room and found the other man sitting by the window fully dressed in casual wear. They conversed with each other and Matsuoka told him he's very happy about this vacation. Another part was when his birthday came along, Hirosue found out through a colleague that Matsuoka's birthday is near. He didn't know what to prepare so he just casually bought him a cake and gave him a phone strap as a present. (I don't remember whether it's a phone strap or a keychain to be honest. @.@;;) Hirosue felt guilty he didn't properly celebrate his birthday when Matsuoka had went through great length to celebrate his. Matsuoka said he really liked the gift and he will use it everyday. This made Hirosue even guiltier than before.
What really ended their relationship was when Hirosue lost his job. He got depressed and didn't want Matsuoka to found out about it. He was also jealous that Matsuoka get to keep his job and is going to be promoted soon. He tried to push Matsuoka away but to no avail. Matsuoka soon found out from a friend so he asked Hirosue about it. Hirosue jokingly said he will go back to his hometown if he still can't manage to find a job. Matsuoka then decided to secretly helped him look for a job because he couldn't bear to see his lover in this state. hirosue soon find out and all hell break loose. He got angry and told Matsuoka he didn't want to see him anymore and that he's going back to the country side.
Terrified, Matsuoka tried to contact Hirosue but there's no reply. He soon managed to ask Hirosue to meet him for just five minutes because he has something important to tell him before he leaves. Hirosue agrees. Matsuoka asked Hirosue to give him his address so he can come down to look for him whenever he's free. But hirosue refused. Then Matsuoka softly asked, "Have you ever think what will happen to me after you leave?"
Hirosue replied with a no. Matsuoka broke down once again. He then told Hirosue he will never contact him or bother him anymore. After breaking off his relationship with Matsuoka, Hirosue had never felt so free. He still feels guilty about the answer he gave but the situation was too intense for him so he couldn't think properly. He knew Matsuoka cried.
(To be honest am tired lol so I will cut to the chase aha.)
During his time he can't help but think of Matsuoka every single moment. He slowly realized he missed him again so he took the opportunity that one of his colleague is getting married to go back to Tokyo to meet him. The two then met after a series of event where Hirosue found out Matsuoka moved and changed his phone number. Matsuoka told him he's sick and tired and he doesn't want to be played around like a fool anymore.
(fast forward a bit) Hirosue found out he loves the man and tries to win him back. Matsuoka gave him three months and that doesn't involve any bed activities. lol which soon got broken anyways because Hirosue sorta forced himself on him and made Matsuoka broke the rule. He was so gentle with him and it made Matsuoka scared because he was very confident that Hirosue will feel disgusted at the sight of his body. Nothing of the sort happened. Then they finally got together. However, Matsuoka still can't seem to believe in him anymore.
The last novel in the series is called Koi suru koto where it tells the tale of what happened to the couple after. Well basically, Matsuoka is still scared of their relationship and doesn't believe Hirosue that easily anymore no matter how good Hirosue treats him. :/ That's basically it.
Overall, GREAT STORY. WORTH A READ. I CRIED IN ALL THREE BOOKS. I love the novels so bad that I can't control myself and wrote this. Matsuoka is NOT a pathetic guy. He IS STRONG and INDEPENDENT with a intelligent mind and good looks. Hirosue on the other hand is a boring person who doesn't know how to express himself properly. (and he seem to have a problem with stuttering) Basically, he's a normal down to earth kind of guy who can't seem to succeed in life. lol And he is so fucking fickle-minded I wanted to slap him so bad. UGH.
All three books have been made into Drama CDs with Tomokazu Sugita Keynes Tang hinthint as Hirosue. The VAs are perfect for the role. But just prepare for a lot of emo and angst.
Utsukushii Koto is also made into a theatrical play. (made me cry like a bitch). The second showing was last year and they said it's WAY better than the first. T__T I saw the screencaps but now am still waiting for my download to finish sooo. T___T
WORTH READING. WORTH LISTENING. T_T THIS IS TO ALL FUJOSHIS OUT THERE.
Here are some screenshots of the play:
I screenshot these myself...I will be doing a full screenshots of these once I have the time to do so. Or maybe I will upload them or something. Depending on my mood.
And for those who wants to buy me a birthday gift, please buy me this DVD. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
